Most of the time when I get asked this question, my answer is a reflex smile and "I'm fine and how are you?" even when it's the furthest thing from the truth. Sometimes someone will catch me off guard when I'm feeling really crappy. That happened last Thursday. I was sitting at my desk at the end of my work day trying very hard to get some work done in spite of screaming joint pain in my hips, an aching back and overwhelming fatigue. A colleague had quietly come through the front door and over to my office without warning.
"Laura, are you ok?" I could have started started to cry at that point, but caught myself. I did have to fess up that I was not doing so well at the moment. The concern in her voice was just too much.
I have taken more sick time than usual lately and most of my co-workers know what is up with me. I have never made a big secret of the fact that I have lupus. Honestly, when it comes to most aspects of my life, I am an open book. Otherwise, why would I blog, right? I probably over-share; in general, I talk too much. I know this about myself, but I have a heck of a hard time censoring myself and just shutting up.
So, here is the thing. I have a wonderful husband and 3 fantastic daughters. I have terrific friends and work with very caring people. Now when any of them ask me how I am feeling, I feel obligated to answer as honestly as possible. This requires quite a bit of reflection on my part, but unfortunately seems to be causing my loved ones some concern. It's gratifying to know how much they care, but worrying them makes me feel guilty. This puts more pressure on me to feel better, so I can feel good about saying, "I'm fine!" and be telling the truth.
It's 5 days past my 2nd infusion. Today I am nauseated, woozy and my lupus symptoms are present and active.
C'mon, Benlysta, do your stuff! I want to feel better and I don't want to worry my loved ones anymore.
